Prof Patrick McGhee

Posts Tagged ‘satire’

No Election Turmoil as Nick Clegg says he will “not serve fifth term”

In Uncategorized on March 24, 2015 at 7:49 pm

Nick Clegg has told the BBC he will not serve a fifth term as Deputy Prime Minister if the Liberal Democrats remain in Government after the general election.

The Deputy PM said if re-elected he would serve the full five years of another Parliament and then only three more after that and then definitely step down. Mr Clegg tipped Vince Cable, Tim Farron and Simon Hughes, as three colleagues who had absolutely no chance of being potential successors in 2035.

Labour accused him of arrogance while the Conservatives called him presumptuous.

Leadership Campaign
BBC political commentator Tim Wiggins-Hopkins said the DPM’s comments would “completely fail to electrify the election campaign”.   Our correspondent highlighted the effect on the party: “Not only will this not kick-start a very, very lengthy Leadership contest, it will also fail to send a message to party members that if they back the Deputy Prime Minister now, that there will be any discernible consequences whatsoever” he said.
Alpen
“It’s like a bowl of organic Alpen”, said Nick Clegg to a room rapidly emptying of journalists. “It looks quite nice on the box and when you open the box there is superficially a lot of mixed fruit, but after a short period of time there is the risk it will go very soggy. Unless you put in less milk than is recommended in which case you do of course run the risk of it being dry. Sorry where was I?”

Job Done
The Deputy Prime Minister said during the interview he felt his job was “1/20th done” with the economy “turned round, or in many respects at least, very twisted” and that he wanted to “finish off the job” of education and welfare reform.  “There are” he said “many promises to the British people which I have not yet been able to break. I want to rededicate myself to that level of public service”.

Long Hard Look
Reflecting on his closest advisors and confidants the Deputy Prime Minister was in a buoyant mood. “You know, there’s plenty of talent there. I’m surrounded by very good people in the party.  Many of whom voted for me.  I overhead one of them say the other day that I am sort of person whom they fully expect to go on, and on and on”.
He added: ” At my age you have to take a long hard look at what you want to do with the rest of your life. I’ve said I’ll stand for a full second term, but I think after that it will be time for me to stand again, and then just twice more after that”.

Balance of Power
Labour said Mr Clegg was “taking the British public for granted” by discussing a fourth term.
Shadow foreign secretary Douglas Alexander, the party’s general election co-ordinator, said: “It is typically arrogant of Nick Clegg to presume a fourth term in 2030 before the British public have been given the chance to have their say in this election. I want to say unequivocally that I shall of course recant all that if the LibDems hold the balance of power on May the 8th”
A UKIP spokesman said: “Have I had my lunch yet?”

David Steele is 104.

UKIP leader ‘appears in public’ After Uncharacteristically Long Absence of 14 Hours.

In Politics, Satire on October 14, 2014 at 9:57 am

UKIP leader ‘appears in public’ After Unexplained Absence of 14 Hours.

Speculation on ill-health, coup continues.

Eccentric extremist leader Nigel Farage has made his first public appearance since yesterday, the country’s official state-controlled news agency the BBC says.

The broadcaster said on Tuesday that Mr Farage “gave inspirational guidance” at a newly rented campaign shop in a bleak residential district of Rotherham.

The official Party Newsletter, the Daily Mail, was reported by experts to have carried several photographs of Mr Farage using a walking stick as he inspected the site. Dressed in his traditional sombre utilitarian yellow tweed jacket and orange tie, Mr Farage was reported to have addressed an organised gathering of party approved journalists from the mainstream media.

Reports also emerged of relieved wailing and mass hysteria after Mr Farage’s appearance. “We are delighted to see that our Dear Leader is in good health and that his long painful absence is over. All of our science projects, huge city planning initiatives and the movement of the stars themselves have been waiting for his return. It was the longest 14 hours of my life.”

The news comes amidst further reports of internal political realignments with key figures such as General Douglas Carswell changing allegiances.

On Sunday, UKIP’s ambassador to Westminster told the BBC that Mr Farage was in good health despite his failure to appear to give his nightly public address on Newsnight and Question Time.

The absence of the 54-year-old iconic yet unpredictable leader had prompted a flurry of speculation about his health.

Some have even questioned if he remains in control of the secretive totalitarian UKIP party following his unexplained absence from state television screens and official public events since late yesterday afternoon.

The enigmatic Farage, educated in the West, reportedly enjoys expensively imported best bitter, crisps and exotic dry roasted peanuts delivered by international suppliers.

While information is scarce, commentators believe that Farage plans to cut off the UK from Europe, creating a one-party isolationist state. Economists claim that despite ideological rhetoric the party’s finances are in a desperate straights, dependent on handouts from neighbours.

The desire of state-run media to end speculation about Mr Farage also indicates he hasn’t been the victim of a coup, says the CNN’s Brad Evans from the US monitoring station in Glasgow.

England-Scotland relations remain tense following a failed coup attempt last month.

A pre-recorded BBC Radio 4 factory broadcast for workers, proclaimed: “first secretary of the Workers’ Party of England, first chairman of the National Defence Against Immigration Commission of the UKIP, supreme commander of the People’s Army, our Dear Leader today gave field guidance to military leaders at the newly built Undocumented Migrants Residential District”.

Nick Robinson is 94.